"My favorite superhero is God because he saved us. He died on the cross."Saturday, January 22, 2011
Through the Eyes of a Child
This week our journal writing topic one day was "Who is your favorite superhero and why?" One of the little girls in my class has a tender place in my heart this year. Her mom told me at the Christmas concert that she doesn't thank the Lord for her mom anymore, rather she thanks Him for her teacher. This student lives with just her mom in a very low income housing area. Like the majority of my kids who come from very low income/single parent homes, I am their source of encouragement, the person who believes in them, and the person who in many cases takes care of them away from home. When I saw her write this in her journal, it was such a tangible reminder to me of what really matters in life. (Remember this is a 6 year old). I was having a rough week just feeling like I was an ineffective teacher and I felt like the kids weren't progressing the way they should and I was honestly just not in a good place in life mentally myself. When I saw her writing this, I was taken back. Her two simple sentences and picture reminded me of why I'm where I am and the purpose that my life holds. I may not be what I could be, I may not even be what I should be, but I am not what I was because Jesus died on a cross to save me. How freeing.
"My favorite superhero is God because he saved us. He died on the cross."
"My favorite superhero is God because he saved us. He died on the cross."
Monday, January 17, 2011
Drawing Inspiration
This week there was a story that came out that honestly captured me in so many ways. It is a story that I can relate to on such a personal level, but also a story that has caused me to do a lot of thinking about my own life and purpose. I am a sports fan.....ok, not just a sports fan, but a Die Hard, never miss a BEARS or ILLINI game type of girl. So Sunday night, after the Jets had won the playoff game, I read a story about there team. It was a story that I couldn't help but feel some how connected to if only for the fact that I myself could relate. About ten years ago a guy named Dennis Byrd was an up and coming football player for the Jets when one hit in a football game gave him a spinal cord injury resulting in paralysis. One second he was this active guy who's life revolved around being active and playing sports and within a second all of that was done. He would never return to the field as an active player again.
Flash forward to the Jets vs. Patriots game this weekend. Byrd is invited to talk to the Jet's team on Sat. night at the hotel. His simple message was this...you never know when things will come to an end, so live/play with a passion and intensity that you can say you gave it your all. Lot's of people/players give motivational speeches. To most of the football players this probably wasn't anything new. Yet this time, Byrd's speech resonated in the hearts of every player. In fact, Braylen Edwards said that he has never been so inspired by someone in his life. Prior to his speech, Byrd sent the jersey that had been cut off of him to the Jets. During game day on Sunday, Edwards carried the jersey on the field to the coin toss. There was a time during the game when Edwards caught the ball on the one yard line and two pro-bowlers grabbed his ankle to bring him down before reaching the end zone. Edwards literally drags both guys with him into the end zone. When asked later in the post game interview how he was able to drag himself into the end zone, he simply stated that his mind thought of Dennis Byrd and how Byrd only wished for one more play in life. That was the fuel that Edwards needed to make a touchdown. The inspiration and spirit of one man changed a team. Changed players.
This story resonates so deeply with me for so many reasons. First, Byrd is like me in that we are so blessed to be walking again, despite limps. Yet Byrd also mentioned in a piece that he hasn't been back to Jet's field in 18 years, because the effects of a SCI (spinal cord injury) go so much deeper than the outward physical. The mental side of SCI's often prove to be so much harder to handle. I myself can a test to that. In fact, Byrd said it best "The fact is, I'm still competing"...refering to an inward battle that SCI patients face everyday.
I often have people who hear my story or find out about me and tell me that I'm such an inspiration. I remember going on a missions trip in college and wondering what purpose I would serve on the team. At the end of the trip the missionary thanked me for coming because he believed that God sent me on that trip to be an inspiration to him and someone he would always be reminded of. While I was appreciative of his thoughts, it just didn't seem like me just being me was inspiring and I struggled to believe that inspiring someone was enough. Maybe because bringing inspiration to someones life causes an inward change in them that remains hidden to the outside world sometimes.
Reflecting on this football story and my story, I am maybe beginning to see that being someone who inspires someone isn't about the visual changes you can see in a person. We live in such a visual society that we often associate change with the outward/physical change. Yet as I looked at this story, I realized that when you are given the gift to inspire (either by choice or not) you have to embrace it and realize that inspiring people is more about bringing an inward change within someone. That you bring hope to people, something that cannot be measured in a visual/physical world. Maybe that's where I feel so connected to this story. It took one man who had an accident 18 years ago to give hope to a team. Inspiration is a catullus for people to look at, believe in, and hope for. While, Byrd inspiration gave hope to a team, it also allowed them to believe and ultimately win the game.
I too have to believe that even though I often don't feel like my life makes sense, that my life story will inspire people. That they will see within me a hope. A hope that isn't defined by worldly goals, but a hope within me that comes from knowing Jesus. In fact, I asked my mom if she would find the box of old leotards that I use to wear and I asked her if she could find the leotard that was cut off of me in my accident. She found the leo and I asked her to send it to me. I want to hang up the leotard, not for prideful/boastful reasons at all.....but because I want it to be a daily tangible reminder to me to make each day count. I want it to inspire me to run this race with perseverance knowing that my hope is in spending eternity in heaven where cut leotards/jerseys will be stitched back perfectly and made whole again.
ESPN story link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUO0tNTQxsY
http://sports.espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/news/story?id=6026411&campaign=rss&source=NFLHeadlines
Flash forward to the Jets vs. Patriots game this weekend. Byrd is invited to talk to the Jet's team on Sat. night at the hotel. His simple message was this...you never know when things will come to an end, so live/play with a passion and intensity that you can say you gave it your all. Lot's of people/players give motivational speeches. To most of the football players this probably wasn't anything new. Yet this time, Byrd's speech resonated in the hearts of every player. In fact, Braylen Edwards said that he has never been so inspired by someone in his life. Prior to his speech, Byrd sent the jersey that had been cut off of him to the Jets. During game day on Sunday, Edwards carried the jersey on the field to the coin toss. There was a time during the game when Edwards caught the ball on the one yard line and two pro-bowlers grabbed his ankle to bring him down before reaching the end zone. Edwards literally drags both guys with him into the end zone. When asked later in the post game interview how he was able to drag himself into the end zone, he simply stated that his mind thought of Dennis Byrd and how Byrd only wished for one more play in life. That was the fuel that Edwards needed to make a touchdown. The inspiration and spirit of one man changed a team. Changed players.
This story resonates so deeply with me for so many reasons. First, Byrd is like me in that we are so blessed to be walking again, despite limps. Yet Byrd also mentioned in a piece that he hasn't been back to Jet's field in 18 years, because the effects of a SCI (spinal cord injury) go so much deeper than the outward physical. The mental side of SCI's often prove to be so much harder to handle. I myself can a test to that. In fact, Byrd said it best "The fact is, I'm still competing"...refering to an inward battle that SCI patients face everyday.
I often have people who hear my story or find out about me and tell me that I'm such an inspiration. I remember going on a missions trip in college and wondering what purpose I would serve on the team. At the end of the trip the missionary thanked me for coming because he believed that God sent me on that trip to be an inspiration to him and someone he would always be reminded of. While I was appreciative of his thoughts, it just didn't seem like me just being me was inspiring and I struggled to believe that inspiring someone was enough. Maybe because bringing inspiration to someones life causes an inward change in them that remains hidden to the outside world sometimes.
Reflecting on this football story and my story, I am maybe beginning to see that being someone who inspires someone isn't about the visual changes you can see in a person. We live in such a visual society that we often associate change with the outward/physical change. Yet as I looked at this story, I realized that when you are given the gift to inspire (either by choice or not) you have to embrace it and realize that inspiring people is more about bringing an inward change within someone. That you bring hope to people, something that cannot be measured in a visual/physical world. Maybe that's where I feel so connected to this story. It took one man who had an accident 18 years ago to give hope to a team. Inspiration is a catullus for people to look at, believe in, and hope for. While, Byrd inspiration gave hope to a team, it also allowed them to believe and ultimately win the game.
I too have to believe that even though I often don't feel like my life makes sense, that my life story will inspire people. That they will see within me a hope. A hope that isn't defined by worldly goals, but a hope within me that comes from knowing Jesus. In fact, I asked my mom if she would find the box of old leotards that I use to wear and I asked her if she could find the leotard that was cut off of me in my accident. She found the leo and I asked her to send it to me. I want to hang up the leotard, not for prideful/boastful reasons at all.....but because I want it to be a daily tangible reminder to me to make each day count. I want it to inspire me to run this race with perseverance knowing that my hope is in spending eternity in heaven where cut leotards/jerseys will be stitched back perfectly and made whole again.
ESPN story link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUO0tNTQxsY
http://sports.espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/news/story?id=6026411&campaign=rss&source=NFLHeadlines
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas 2010
This year for Christmas, my family celebrated in Greenville, S.C. at my Aunt/Uncle's house. We all decided that it would be best if we went there as it would have been hard to be at grandma/grandpa's house given the passing of grandma. So Gary, Julie, the 2 dogs, and myself all loaded up the car and headed for our 14 hour road trip from Chicago-Greenville.
When we got there the weather was beautiful, but on Christmas Day they had a record amount of snow. It had only snowed on Christmas Day 3 times in the last 100 years. I will say, that it was beautiful, but did make for some rather scary driving home through the mountains.
The newest addition to our family was Tessa and Newton. I must say that even though I am not a big animal lover, they are pretty cute.
When we got there the weather was beautiful, but on Christmas Day they had a record amount of snow. It had only snowed on Christmas Day 3 times in the last 100 years. I will say, that it was beautiful, but did make for some rather scary driving home through the mountains.
Of course there were also lots of gifts to open. There is no shortage of gifts in our family!
The newest addition to our family was Tessa and Newton. I must say that even though I am not a big animal lover, they are pretty cute.
But most importantly though, there was family. Spending time with family is something that I love more than anything. My family is so close. This Christmas, while it was extremely difficult to celebrate without my grandma, I became so grateful for the legacy that she left behind. She raised a wonderful Christian family and so much of our family connectedness is attributed to her relentless desire to pray for each family member everyday and to remind us to live daily for Christ. I am so appreciative that I have a close Christian family that I can always turn to in times of hardship.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving
It's been awhile...I know. Rather purposely. Quite frankly, I have no desire to reflect on life at this time. I'm not healthy in many ways and have found that often I'm just hanging on by a threat, not sure how I am still holding things "together."
It's Thanksgiving...."Thanks" giving.....yet, I am daily struggling and battling with an attitude of bitterness and negativity. I have always been a positive person. In the most desperate times of my life I have clung to my faith. I have chosen to believe that God will take the broken pieces in my life and heal them. Now though, it has been so hard and at times unwanted to remain that positive hope filled person. I have never been so unsatisfied and so desperate for God to make life desirable again. I've struggled with understanding who this person is right now inside of me. I'm not me in so many ways and all I want is my healthy self back.
Thanksgiving has never been my favorite holiday....by a long shot. In fact, I often dread this holiday. This year was no real exception. At a time when joy and a thankful attitude should be consuming me, I sink into a feeling of confusion, hurt, bitterness, and negativity. You see, this is the holiday where I feel like the orphan child. The child with no real place to go and the places that I can go I'm not really known. The last few years have often left me feeling this way. Gary is married and sees Julie's side of the family, mom and Jack always go to Ohio, my mom's extended family go to their other sides, and so I sometimes go to dinner with grandma and grandpa. This year that wasn't an option (which in itself was hard) and so I was left with going to my dad's house. It's a hard place to go when you know that everyone there will be all these people from her side of the family and people who you don't know nor (honestly...) don't really care to know because they are these new people who just happen to now be some sort of "family" by remarriage. It just breeds fakeness within me when I head over there because honestly I have no desire to talk about my life with people I barely know. I'm having a hard enough time talking about normal day life things with my own family (from a desire to remove myself as far as possible from work when not there.) So Thanksgiving because the "Self Pity Orphan Ang" holiday, and the day when I extend my football knowledge from watching the saving grace football games that chew up time.....(That sentence just made me smile....shame shame)
In all honesty, I can't say that I was all that thankful this weekend. In fact, what I realized more than anything was how much darkness I'm living in. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and professionally I'm not healthy....no where close. I have accepted the darkness and am choosing to live in it because I so often feel powerless. This weekend at Harvest, I sat though a sermon that was all about Thankfulness. For most of the sermon I sat there clearly aware that the Lord wanted me to hear this sermon, but also still fully aware that some bitterness lay within my heart. For the last few month all I've wanted is to feel like myself again. It's hard to explain but a lot of transitions have happened and life has taken a lot out of me. I want me back....whatever that means or looks like. I'm a selfish person who has failed to remember that I was never mine. Others, too, are given to use to care for, but ultimately are God's. So as I listened to the sermon, the point that stuck out the most is that thankfulness is a choice. It's not natural to us. We have to practice thankfulness.
On Thanksgiving night after I went to my dad's, I stopped by my mom's house and sat down at the piano. The house was dark and empty. The only light on was the piano light. I took out an old Christmas book I use to play and started to play some Christmas music. It was a moment of much needed solitude. It wasn't long till I realized two things though. One...that I hadn't played or practiced in a long time and that the music was very choppy. Yet, the second thing I realized was that the only way I was able to play anything was because of the small piano light that I had turned on. Without light I had no way to play. A small light at least allowed me to play some music.....choppy or not. It was in this quiet still moment that I was reminded again that I do have light in my life. I know the Creator and Sustainer of light. I know that Thankfulness is a choice. A choice that I have failed to make lately. Maybe because of pride, maybe because of pain, maybe because of lowliness, maybe because of a lack of gratefulness in what I've been given. But most definitely because I am a sinful person who has tried to make sense of life on my own the last few months....just now realizing that I have to start making a choice to be grateful. I have to practice. I'm asking for light to be abundant in my life right now. I know it's something I will have to fight for. Light....as large or small as the beam is, is needed, if we are to make any impact or change in the world, or in our lives.
It's going to take time and people. Two of which are very hard to come by. I can look back on this year and know that there were some good times. They just seem far from my memory. My prayer right now is that the Lord would make his light shine brighter in my life....because I need it now more than ever.
It's Thanksgiving...."Thanks" giving.....yet, I am daily struggling and battling with an attitude of bitterness and negativity. I have always been a positive person. In the most desperate times of my life I have clung to my faith. I have chosen to believe that God will take the broken pieces in my life and heal them. Now though, it has been so hard and at times unwanted to remain that positive hope filled person. I have never been so unsatisfied and so desperate for God to make life desirable again. I've struggled with understanding who this person is right now inside of me. I'm not me in so many ways and all I want is my healthy self back.
Thanksgiving has never been my favorite holiday....by a long shot. In fact, I often dread this holiday. This year was no real exception. At a time when joy and a thankful attitude should be consuming me, I sink into a feeling of confusion, hurt, bitterness, and negativity. You see, this is the holiday where I feel like the orphan child. The child with no real place to go and the places that I can go I'm not really known. The last few years have often left me feeling this way. Gary is married and sees Julie's side of the family, mom and Jack always go to Ohio, my mom's extended family go to their other sides, and so I sometimes go to dinner with grandma and grandpa. This year that wasn't an option (which in itself was hard) and so I was left with going to my dad's house. It's a hard place to go when you know that everyone there will be all these people from her side of the family and people who you don't know nor (honestly...) don't really care to know because they are these new people who just happen to now be some sort of "family" by remarriage. It just breeds fakeness within me when I head over there because honestly I have no desire to talk about my life with people I barely know. I'm having a hard enough time talking about normal day life things with my own family (from a desire to remove myself as far as possible from work when not there.) So Thanksgiving because the "Self Pity Orphan Ang" holiday, and the day when I extend my football knowledge from watching the saving grace football games that chew up time.....(That sentence just made me smile....shame shame)
In all honesty, I can't say that I was all that thankful this weekend. In fact, what I realized more than anything was how much darkness I'm living in. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and professionally I'm not healthy....no where close. I have accepted the darkness and am choosing to live in it because I so often feel powerless. This weekend at Harvest, I sat though a sermon that was all about Thankfulness. For most of the sermon I sat there clearly aware that the Lord wanted me to hear this sermon, but also still fully aware that some bitterness lay within my heart. For the last few month all I've wanted is to feel like myself again. It's hard to explain but a lot of transitions have happened and life has taken a lot out of me. I want me back....whatever that means or looks like. I'm a selfish person who has failed to remember that I was never mine. Others, too, are given to use to care for, but ultimately are God's. So as I listened to the sermon, the point that stuck out the most is that thankfulness is a choice. It's not natural to us. We have to practice thankfulness.
On Thanksgiving night after I went to my dad's, I stopped by my mom's house and sat down at the piano. The house was dark and empty. The only light on was the piano light. I took out an old Christmas book I use to play and started to play some Christmas music. It was a moment of much needed solitude. It wasn't long till I realized two things though. One...that I hadn't played or practiced in a long time and that the music was very choppy. Yet, the second thing I realized was that the only way I was able to play anything was because of the small piano light that I had turned on. Without light I had no way to play. A small light at least allowed me to play some music.....choppy or not. It was in this quiet still moment that I was reminded again that I do have light in my life. I know the Creator and Sustainer of light. I know that Thankfulness is a choice. A choice that I have failed to make lately. Maybe because of pride, maybe because of pain, maybe because of lowliness, maybe because of a lack of gratefulness in what I've been given. But most definitely because I am a sinful person who has tried to make sense of life on my own the last few months....just now realizing that I have to start making a choice to be grateful. I have to practice. I'm asking for light to be abundant in my life right now. I know it's something I will have to fight for. Light....as large or small as the beam is, is needed, if we are to make any impact or change in the world, or in our lives.
It's going to take time and people. Two of which are very hard to come by. I can look back on this year and know that there were some good times. They just seem far from my memory. My prayer right now is that the Lord would make his light shine brighter in my life....because I need it now more than ever.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Barrington Pumpkin Patch
SPENDING TIME WITH FAMILY
@ THE PUMPKIN PATCH
THE PUMPKIN EATING DINOSAUR!
PIGGY RACES!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
What a Week....
This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've ever had. If you were to ask me how I am doing, my answer would depend on what hour you asked me. My emotions have been so up and down and with the circumstances of this past week it really is no wonder. Tonight, I know that I have a TON of things that need to be accomplished and yet all I want to do is write. For me, writing is sometimes healing. I'm not sure I've ever experienced a week with as many ups and downs as I have this week. In fact, I'm not even sure how I'm still functioning. For God surely is providing me with physical and emotional strength. I fear the week ahead may be even harder as family and friends start to leave and life once again will be lived alone.....
One thing I know is that God has a way of preparing your heart for what's to come. Last Sat., I spent part of my day sitting in the ER (took someone else there...not me :) ). I hadn't expected to spend my day that way, but as I sat outside of the ER I watched ambulances come in and out and i began to reminisce. I reminisced about the last time I had been to the ER was when I myself was taken there. A lot of thoughts can to my mind at that time, but the one thought that continually was on my mind was a Bible passage that says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." As I sat there, knowing a little reality of what was going to happen that day, i knew that God was whispering to me that he would take care of me just like he had 7 years ago during my trip to the ER and just like he does every day.
The Lord knew I needed to hear that from him, as on Sunday the guy who I had willingly spent and enjoyed a lot my time and energy on decided that it was time to end our relationship. Hard, yeah, bitter, no. Relationships require mutual feelings and desire/willingness to partner and journey together. I put my heart into this relationship....something I failed and regretted to do in the past....for which I'm proud that I choose to give and not withdraw. Moving forward with the hope of new friends and a new community dashed will probably be hard. One of the most trying things to deal with in life is when hopes/dreams/aspirations/possibilities are dashed. Disappointment is difficult, yet the Lord always redirects our minds and creates new hopes and dreams to look forward to. I'm thankful for the grace in that.
Sunday night, as I pull into my apt. my phone rings with an unknown number. I answer it and come to find out that a 3rd grade teacher wants me to do her maternity leave in Nov. for 2 1/2 months here in B/N. My head is in turmoil as I'm scheduled to move to Chicago on Sept. 15 as the security dep. has been paid and I had already given my 30 day notice awhile ago in B/N. My mind only becomes more conflicted.
Monday morning, my mom calls me in a panic and tells me that grandma was taken to the hospital late last night and that the Dr. called her to tell her to gather the family as she was going to die today. While she had been physically in pain and hadn't been good for awhile, no one really thought today would be the day. The family was all notified and my aunt and uncle immediately left school to come down and my brother hoped on the Amtrak. Thankfully, we all surrounded her bedside and watched as she took her last deep breathe at 3:30 and was taken to heaven. My brother and I just held each other and watched as the strongest man i know (grandpa) collapsed in tears. They were 2 months away from their 60 year anniversary. The moments that unfolded in those next few minutes and hours were hard grasp.
Three hours after grandma's passing, a principal calls telling me he has 3 openings and wants to interview me right away. So at 8 am the next day in an emotional mental state, I interviewed and was offered a 1st grade position.
Yet, admits the anguish, hurt, and grief, God has blessed me with a new mission and purpose. He has blessed me with a 1st grade teaching job. I am so thankful that he has provided at this time. As I move forward in life, having a job now will give me something that I can throw my life into. I guess that's the one good thing about this week. God knew that I would not do well alone and without a job....despair, feeling purposeless, and feeling unimportant probably would have been so over whelming to bare. Now, I have a job and while everyone else in life moves forward in their lives, I too must. This summer I devoted my energy to my grandmother and a dating relationship...both of which have sadly ended. As I look forward, I'm still not certain that teaching is exactly where God wants me, but it's what he has given me for the moment. So, my energy will now be redirected to 23 seven year olds. In a way, that makes me happy because I know they will need my energy and time...something I am so happy to give to others who truly need and desire from me.
By Thursday I was a wreck. I had some many life changes and events that I wasn't sure how I could handle them all. God reached out to me through two of my best friends and said I am going to give you people who will hold you up. So on Thursday, my two best friends took the day off of work and drove 4 hours to spend time with me, to listen to me, to physically help me move stuff. It was then that I realized how good God is at meeting me where I am in life. I am so grateful for my friends. Their presence and willingness to sacrifice a personal day at work and a whole day to spend time with me and just love on me and serve me, will always be a reminder and a challenge to me to do the same. How often I forget and get caught up in my agenda and my selfish desires to remember that life is about people. Life is about investing in relationships with people.
The funeral was hard and yet beautiful. Beautiful because the peace in all of our hearts that she loved and devoted her life to God's kingdom. She is no longer in pain and no longer affected by her conditions. She is running into the arms of Jesus. That image is beautiful....one that I too long for someday. It was wonderful to see how many people loved her. Even Josh came....something that meant a lot to me and I know grandma would have been delighted to see.
Yes, this week has been incredibly hard in many ways, but I can honestly look back to the words that God had placed on my heart a week ago before I knew any of this was going to happen and still trust and believe that they are true:
"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose."
One thing I know is that God has a way of preparing your heart for what's to come. Last Sat., I spent part of my day sitting in the ER (took someone else there...not me :) ). I hadn't expected to spend my day that way, but as I sat outside of the ER I watched ambulances come in and out and i began to reminisce. I reminisced about the last time I had been to the ER was when I myself was taken there. A lot of thoughts can to my mind at that time, but the one thought that continually was on my mind was a Bible passage that says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." As I sat there, knowing a little reality of what was going to happen that day, i knew that God was whispering to me that he would take care of me just like he had 7 years ago during my trip to the ER and just like he does every day.
The Lord knew I needed to hear that from him, as on Sunday the guy who I had willingly spent and enjoyed a lot my time and energy on decided that it was time to end our relationship. Hard, yeah, bitter, no. Relationships require mutual feelings and desire/willingness to partner and journey together. I put my heart into this relationship....something I failed and regretted to do in the past....for which I'm proud that I choose to give and not withdraw. Moving forward with the hope of new friends and a new community dashed will probably be hard. One of the most trying things to deal with in life is when hopes/dreams/aspirations/possibilities are dashed. Disappointment is difficult, yet the Lord always redirects our minds and creates new hopes and dreams to look forward to. I'm thankful for the grace in that.
Sunday night, as I pull into my apt. my phone rings with an unknown number. I answer it and come to find out that a 3rd grade teacher wants me to do her maternity leave in Nov. for 2 1/2 months here in B/N. My head is in turmoil as I'm scheduled to move to Chicago on Sept. 15 as the security dep. has been paid and I had already given my 30 day notice awhile ago in B/N. My mind only becomes more conflicted.
Monday morning, my mom calls me in a panic and tells me that grandma was taken to the hospital late last night and that the Dr. called her to tell her to gather the family as she was going to die today. While she had been physically in pain and hadn't been good for awhile, no one really thought today would be the day. The family was all notified and my aunt and uncle immediately left school to come down and my brother hoped on the Amtrak. Thankfully, we all surrounded her bedside and watched as she took her last deep breathe at 3:30 and was taken to heaven. My brother and I just held each other and watched as the strongest man i know (grandpa) collapsed in tears. They were 2 months away from their 60 year anniversary. The moments that unfolded in those next few minutes and hours were hard grasp.
Three hours after grandma's passing, a principal calls telling me he has 3 openings and wants to interview me right away. So at 8 am the next day in an emotional mental state, I interviewed and was offered a 1st grade position.
Yet, admits the anguish, hurt, and grief, God has blessed me with a new mission and purpose. He has blessed me with a 1st grade teaching job. I am so thankful that he has provided at this time. As I move forward in life, having a job now will give me something that I can throw my life into. I guess that's the one good thing about this week. God knew that I would not do well alone and without a job....despair, feeling purposeless, and feeling unimportant probably would have been so over whelming to bare. Now, I have a job and while everyone else in life moves forward in their lives, I too must. This summer I devoted my energy to my grandmother and a dating relationship...both of which have sadly ended. As I look forward, I'm still not certain that teaching is exactly where God wants me, but it's what he has given me for the moment. So, my energy will now be redirected to 23 seven year olds. In a way, that makes me happy because I know they will need my energy and time...something I am so happy to give to others who truly need and desire from me.
By Thursday I was a wreck. I had some many life changes and events that I wasn't sure how I could handle them all. God reached out to me through two of my best friends and said I am going to give you people who will hold you up. So on Thursday, my two best friends took the day off of work and drove 4 hours to spend time with me, to listen to me, to physically help me move stuff. It was then that I realized how good God is at meeting me where I am in life. I am so grateful for my friends. Their presence and willingness to sacrifice a personal day at work and a whole day to spend time with me and just love on me and serve me, will always be a reminder and a challenge to me to do the same. How often I forget and get caught up in my agenda and my selfish desires to remember that life is about people. Life is about investing in relationships with people.
The funeral was hard and yet beautiful. Beautiful because the peace in all of our hearts that she loved and devoted her life to God's kingdom. She is no longer in pain and no longer affected by her conditions. She is running into the arms of Jesus. That image is beautiful....one that I too long for someday. It was wonderful to see how many people loved her. Even Josh came....something that meant a lot to me and I know grandma would have been delighted to see.
Yes, this week has been incredibly hard in many ways, but I can honestly look back to the words that God had placed on my heart a week ago before I knew any of this was going to happen and still trust and believe that they are true:
"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose."
Monday, August 16, 2010
Miami
Hanging out in Miami! This past week I went down to Miami to spend time with Andy who was on business trip down there. While I spent a lot of time just relaxing in the sun at the hotel, we did manage to go downtown Miami one night. The weather was great! I realized I never actually got a picture of Andy and I while in Miami....
I found a MANATEE while exploring the area! Of course I had to take a picture next to it. LOOK A MANATEE!! (LL and KL) ;)
The lagoon and Miami Airport
One of the coolest and oldest trees ever at BAYSIDE marketplace downtown Miami
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