One thing I know is that God has a way of preparing your heart for what's to come. Last Sat., I spent part of my day sitting in the ER (took someone else there...not me :) ). I hadn't expected to spend my day that way, but as I sat outside of the ER I watched ambulances come in and out and i began to reminisce. I reminisced about the last time I had been to the ER was when I myself was taken there. A lot of thoughts can to my mind at that time, but the one thought that continually was on my mind was a Bible passage that says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." As I sat there, knowing a little reality of what was going to happen that day, i knew that God was whispering to me that he would take care of me just like he had 7 years ago during my trip to the ER and just like he does every day.
The Lord knew I needed to hear that from him, as on Sunday the guy who I had willingly spent and enjoyed a lot my time and energy on decided that it was time to end our relationship. Hard, yeah, bitter, no. Relationships require mutual feelings and desire/willingness to partner and journey together. I put my heart into this relationship....something I failed and regretted to do in the past....for which I'm proud that I choose to give and not withdraw. Moving forward with the hope of new friends and a new community dashed will probably be hard. One of the most trying things to deal with in life is when hopes/dreams/aspirations/possibilities are dashed. Disappointment is difficult, yet the Lord always redirects our minds and creates new hopes and dreams to look forward to. I'm thankful for the grace in that.
Sunday night, as I pull into my apt. my phone rings with an unknown number. I answer it and come to find out that a 3rd grade teacher wants me to do her maternity leave in Nov. for 2 1/2 months here in B/N. My head is in turmoil as I'm scheduled to move to Chicago on Sept. 15 as the security dep. has been paid and I had already given my 30 day notice awhile ago in B/N. My mind only becomes more conflicted.
Monday morning, my mom calls me in a panic and tells me that grandma was taken to the hospital late last night and that the Dr. called her to tell her to gather the family as she was going to die today. While she had been physically in pain and hadn't been good for awhile, no one really thought today would be the day. The family was all notified and my aunt and uncle immediately left school to come down and my brother hoped on the Amtrak. Thankfully, we all surrounded her bedside and watched as she took her last deep breathe at 3:30 and was taken to heaven. My brother and I just held each other and watched as the strongest man i know (grandpa) collapsed in tears. They were 2 months away from their 60 year anniversary. The moments that unfolded in those next few minutes and hours were hard grasp.
Three hours after grandma's passing, a principal calls telling me he has 3 openings and wants to interview me right away. So at 8 am the next day in an emotional mental state, I interviewed and was offered a 1st grade position.
Yet, admits the anguish, hurt, and grief, God has blessed me with a new mission and purpose. He has blessed me with a 1st grade teaching job. I am so thankful that he has provided at this time. As I move forward in life, having a job now will give me something that I can throw my life into. I guess that's the one good thing about this week. God knew that I would not do well alone and without a job....despair, feeling purposeless, and feeling unimportant probably would have been so over whelming to bare. Now, I have a job and while everyone else in life moves forward in their lives, I too must. This summer I devoted my energy to my grandmother and a dating relationship...both of which have sadly ended. As I look forward, I'm still not certain that teaching is exactly where God wants me, but it's what he has given me for the moment. So, my energy will now be redirected to 23 seven year olds. In a way, that makes me happy because I know they will need my energy and time...something I am so happy to give to others who truly need and desire from me.
By Thursday I was a wreck. I had some many life changes and events that I wasn't sure how I could handle them all. God reached out to me through two of my best friends and said I am going to give you people who will hold you up. So on Thursday, my two best friends took the day off of work and drove 4 hours to spend time with me, to listen to me, to physically help me move stuff. It was then that I realized how good God is at meeting me where I am in life. I am so grateful for my friends. Their presence and willingness to sacrifice a personal day at work and a whole day to spend time with me and just love on me and serve me, will always be a reminder and a challenge to me to do the same. How often I forget and get caught up in my agenda and my selfish desires to remember that life is about people. Life is about investing in relationships with people.
The funeral was hard and yet beautiful. Beautiful because the peace in all of our hearts that she loved and devoted her life to God's kingdom. She is no longer in pain and no longer affected by her conditions. She is running into the arms of Jesus. That image is beautiful....one that I too long for someday. It was wonderful to see how many people loved her. Even Josh came....something that meant a lot to me and I know grandma would have been delighted to see.
Yes, this week has been incredibly hard in many ways, but I can honestly look back to the words that God had placed on my heart a week ago before I knew any of this was going to happen and still trust and believe that they are true:
"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose."
