Christmas 2010

This year for Christmas, my family celebrated in Greenville, S.C. at my Aunt/Uncle's house. We all decided that it would be best if we went there as it would have been hard to be at grandma/grandpa's house given the passing of grandma. So Gary, Julie, the 2 dogs, and myself all loaded up the car and headed for our 14 hour road trip from Chicago-Greenville.

When we got there the weather was beautiful, but on Christmas Day they had a record amount of snow. It had only snowed on Christmas Day 3 times in the last 100 years. I will say, that it was beautiful, but did make for some rather scary driving home through the mountains.

One thing that I've always been really proud of is my Swedish heritage. On Christmas Eve, my family always has a traditional Swedish dinner followed by a HUGE Swedish brunch. I LOVE it! Our Swedish heritage is something that both my grandma and grandpa were/are so proud of and they have instilled such pride within me.

Of course there were also lots of gifts to open. There is no shortage of gifts in our family!

The newest addition to our family was Tessa and Newton. I must say that even though I am not a big animal lover, they are pretty cute.

But most importantly though, there was family. Spending time with family is something that I love more than anything. My family is so close. This Christmas, while it was extremely difficult to celebrate without my grandma, I became so grateful for the legacy that she left behind. She raised a wonderful Christian family and so much of our family connectedness is attributed to her relentless desire to pray for each family member everyday and to remind us to live daily for Christ. I am so appreciative that I have a close Christian family that I can always turn to in times of hardship.

Thanksgiving

It's been awhile...I know. Rather purposely. Quite frankly, I have no desire to reflect on life at this time. I'm not healthy in many ways and have found that often I'm just hanging on by a threat, not sure how I am still holding things "together."

It's Thanksgiving...."Thanks" giving.....yet, I am daily struggling and battling with an attitude of bitterness and negativity. I have always been a positive person. In the most desperate times of my life I have clung to my faith. I have chosen to believe that God will take the broken pieces in my life and heal them. Now though, it has been so hard and at times unwanted to remain that positive hope filled person. I have never been so unsatisfied and so desperate for God to make life desirable again. I've struggled with understanding who this person is right now inside of me. I'm not me in so many ways and all I want is my healthy self back.

Thanksgiving has never been my favorite holiday....by a long shot. In fact, I often dread this holiday. This year was no real exception. At a time when joy and a thankful attitude should be consuming me, I sink into a feeling of confusion, hurt, bitterness, and negativity. You see, this is the holiday where I feel like the orphan child. The child with no real place to go and the places that I can go I'm not really known. The last few years have often left me feeling this way. Gary is married and sees Julie's side of the family, mom and Jack always go to Ohio, my mom's extended family go to their other sides, and so I sometimes go to dinner with grandma and grandpa. This year that wasn't an option (which in itself was hard) and so I was left with going to my dad's house. It's a hard place to go when you know that everyone there will be all these people from her side of the family and people who you don't know nor (honestly...) don't really care to know because they are these new people who just happen to now be some sort of "family" by remarriage. It just breeds fakeness within me when I head over there because honestly I have no desire to talk about my life with people I barely know. I'm having a hard enough time talking about normal day life things with my own family (from a desire to remove myself as far as possible from work when not there.) So Thanksgiving because the "Self Pity Orphan Ang" holiday, and the day when I extend my football knowledge from watching the saving grace football games that chew up time.....(That sentence just made me smile....shame shame)

In all honesty, I can't say that I was all that thankful this weekend. In fact, what I realized more than anything was how much darkness I'm living in. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and professionally I'm not healthy....no where close. I have accepted the darkness and am choosing to live in it because I so often feel powerless. This weekend at Harvest, I sat though a sermon that was all about Thankfulness. For most of the sermon I sat there clearly aware that the Lord wanted me to hear this sermon, but also still fully aware that some bitterness lay within my heart. For the last few month all I've wanted is to feel like myself again. It's hard to explain but a lot of transitions have happened and life has taken a lot out of me. I want me back....whatever that means or looks like. I'm a selfish person who has failed to remember that I was never mine. Others, too, are given to use to care for, but ultimately are God's. So as I listened to the sermon, the point that stuck out the most is that thankfulness is a choice. It's not natural to us. We have to practice thankfulness.

On Thanksgiving night after I went to my dad's, I stopped by my mom's house and sat down at the piano. The house was dark and empty. The only light on was the piano light. I took out an old Christmas book I use to play and started to play some Christmas music. It was a moment of much needed solitude. It wasn't long till I realized two things though. One...that I hadn't played or practiced in a long time and that the music was very choppy. Yet, the second thing I realized was that the only way I was able to play anything was because of the small piano light that I had turned on. Without light I had no way to play. A small light at least allowed me to play some music.....choppy or not. It was in this quiet still moment that I was reminded again that I do have light in my life. I know the Creator and Sustainer of light. I know that Thankfulness is a choice. A choice that I have failed to make lately. Maybe because of pride, maybe because of pain, maybe because of lowliness, maybe because of a lack of gratefulness in what I've been given. But most definitely because I am a sinful person who has tried to make sense of life on my own the last few months....just now realizing that I have to start making a choice to be grateful. I have to practice. I'm asking for light to be abundant in my life right now. I know it's something I will have to fight for. Light....as large or small as the beam is, is needed, if we are to make any impact or change in the world, or in our lives.

It's going to take time and people. Two of which are very hard to come by. I can look back on this year and know that there were some good times. They just seem far from my memory. My prayer right now is that the Lord would make his light shine brighter in my life....because I need it now more than ever.

Barrington Pumpkin Patch

SPENDING TIME WITH FAMILY

@ THE PUMPKIN PATCH

THE PUMPKIN EATING DINOSAUR!

PIGGY RACES!

What a Week....

This week has been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I've ever had. If you were to ask me how I am doing, my answer would depend on what hour you asked me. My emotions have been so up and down and with the circumstances of this past week it really is no wonder. Tonight, I know that I have a TON of things that need to be accomplished and yet all I want to do is write. For me, writing is sometimes healing. I'm not sure I've ever experienced a week with as many ups and downs as I have this week. In fact, I'm not even sure how I'm still functioning. For God surely is providing me with physical and emotional strength. I fear the week ahead may be even harder as family and friends start to leave and life once again will be lived alone.....

One thing I know is that God has a way of preparing your heart for what's to come. Last Sat., I spent part of my day sitting in the ER (took someone else there...not me :) ). I hadn't expected to spend my day that way, but as I sat outside of the ER I watched ambulances come in and out and i began to reminisce. I reminisced about the last time I had been to the ER was when I myself was taken there. A lot of thoughts can to my mind at that time, but the one thought that continually was on my mind was a Bible passage that says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." As I sat there, knowing a little reality of what was going to happen that day, i knew that God was whispering to me that he would take care of me just like he had 7 years ago during my trip to the ER and just like he does every day.

The Lord knew I needed to hear that from him, as on Sunday the guy who I had willingly spent and enjoyed a lot my time and energy on decided that it was time to end our relationship. Hard, yeah, bitter, no. Relationships require mutual feelings and desire/willingness to partner and journey together. I put my heart into this relationship....something I failed and regretted to do in the past....for which I'm proud that I choose to give and not withdraw. Moving forward with the hope of new friends and a new community dashed will probably be hard. One of the most trying things to deal with in life is when hopes/dreams/aspirations/possibilities are dashed. Disappointment is difficult, yet the Lord always redirects our minds and creates new hopes and dreams to look forward to. I'm thankful for the grace in that.

Sunday night, as I pull into my apt. my phone rings with an unknown number. I answer it and come to find out that a 3rd grade teacher wants me to do her maternity leave in Nov. for 2 1/2 months here in B/N. My head is in turmoil as I'm scheduled to move to Chicago on Sept. 15 as the security dep. has been paid and I had already given my 30 day notice awhile ago in B/N. My mind only becomes more conflicted.

Monday morning, my mom calls me in a panic and tells me that grandma was taken to the hospital late last night and that the Dr. called her to tell her to gather the family as she was going to die today. While she had been physically in pain and hadn't been good for awhile, no one really thought today would be the day. The family was all notified and my aunt and uncle immediately left school to come down and my brother hoped on the Amtrak. Thankfully, we all surrounded her bedside and watched as she took her last deep breathe at 3:30 and was taken to heaven. My brother and I just held each other and watched as the strongest man i know (grandpa) collapsed in tears. They were 2 months away from their 60 year anniversary. The moments that unfolded in those next few minutes and hours were hard grasp.

Three hours after grandma's passing, a principal calls telling me he has 3 openings and wants to interview me right away. So at 8 am the next day in an emotional mental state, I interviewed and was offered a 1st grade position.

Yet, admits the anguish, hurt, and grief, God has blessed me with a new mission and purpose. He has blessed me with a 1st grade teaching job. I am so thankful that he has provided at this time. As I move forward in life, having a job now will give me something that I can throw my life into. I guess that's the one good thing about this week. God knew that I would not do well alone and without a job....despair, feeling purposeless, and feeling unimportant probably would have been so over whelming to bare. Now, I have a job and while everyone else in life moves forward in their lives, I too must. This summer I devoted my energy to my grandmother and a dating relationship...both of which have sadly ended. As I look forward, I'm still not certain that teaching is exactly where God wants me, but it's what he has given me for the moment. So, my energy will now be redirected to 23 seven year olds. In a way, that makes me happy because I know they will need my energy and time...something I am so happy to give to others who truly need and desire from me.

By Thursday I was a wreck. I had some many life changes and events that I wasn't sure how I could handle them all. God reached out to me through two of my best friends and said I am going to give you people who will hold you up. So on Thursday, my two best friends took the day off of work and drove 4 hours to spend time with me, to listen to me, to physically help me move stuff. It was then that I realized how good God is at meeting me where I am in life. I am so grateful for my friends. Their presence and willingness to sacrifice a personal day at work and a whole day to spend time with me and just love on me and serve me, will always be a reminder and a challenge to me to do the same. How often I forget and get caught up in my agenda and my selfish desires to remember that life is about people. Life is about investing in relationships with people.

The funeral was hard and yet beautiful. Beautiful because the peace in all of our hearts that she loved and devoted her life to God's kingdom. She is no longer in pain and no longer affected by her conditions. She is running into the arms of Jesus. That image is beautiful....one that I too long for someday. It was wonderful to see how many people loved her. Even Josh came....something that meant a lot to me and I know grandma would have been delighted to see.
Yes, this week has been incredibly hard in many ways, but I can honestly look back to the words that God had placed on my heart a week ago before I knew any of this was going to happen and still trust and believe that they are true:

"And we know that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose."

Miami

Hanging out in Miami! This past week I went down to Miami to spend time with Andy who was on business trip down there. While I spent a lot of time just relaxing in the sun at the hotel, we did manage to go downtown Miami one night. The weather was great! I realized I never actually got a picture of Andy and I while in Miami....

I found a MANATEE while exploring the area!
Of course I had to take a picture next to it. LOOK A MANATEE!! (LL and KL) ;)

The lagoon and Miami Airport


One of the coolest and oldest trees ever at

BAYSIDE marketplace downtown Miami

Transformation

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Rom. 12:1-2

Ever have days where you aren’t really looking to “hear” from Jesus, but rather are just set out to go about your planned day. Today was one of those days for me. It started like any other day. I woke up worked out, drove to the gym and worked out more, and then decided I would go spend a little time with my grandma who is in a nursing rehab center. I went and found grandma in the dining hall just finishing her breakfast. I talked with her for awhile and then she said, “Ang, could you take me outside where it’s sunny and warm?” (she is worse than I am when it comes to being cold these days….she wore a winter sweater and at 9am it was already 80 out and she was still cold :) ). So together we sat outside in the hot morning sun doing nothing but sitting and talking about life. As I looked at her and had been observing her all morning I noticed how kind and gentle her words had been to others this morning (complimenting everyone’s outfit, smiling, and joyful). In fact, as I sat with her this morning there was one word that came to my mind. Transformation. I’m not sure I have ever seen my grandma this kind and joyful towards others than today. I know that she doesn’t want to be here and that her longing desire is to return home and walk, but when I sat with grandma this morning I saw a heart that has become softened…..perhaps transformed.
This precious time with my grandma this morning has brought so much thought to my life today. In fact, it’s consumed my thoughts in so many ways. Tonight, even though it’s a Friday night, I find myself wanting to do nothing else than to reflect on my life and how God is and has been transforming my mind.

Tonight, it really hit me. Everything was brought to light tonight. Transformation is an on going process in our life, but tonight God is showing me in such a tangible way how he has transformed and continues to transform my life. As my life journey continues, I so often feel like I’m the same person that I was a year ago or two years ago. It’s frustrating because I want my life to change now and I think so often that transformation means a huge change in life that is visible for everyone to see. That’s not what transformation is about. Transformation is about letting God take you where you are at now and allowing him to have control of your mind and thoughts, so that your actions become more Christ like.

The last two months have been so good for me. Not just because it’s summer (which has such a HUGE impact on my mental attitude), but because I’m learning how to let Christ transform me, even if it’s not what my human flesh wants.

Let me be specific about how God has and is transforming my life:

1. This past spring I was asked to babysit again this summer. I wanted to take the job so bad because I knew it was easy, but more because I knew it would bring a little more sense of financial security to my life, when I knew that I was going to be unemployed. I went back and forth for so long and finally yielded to the fact that God was telling me that my security wasn’t in money. I said no to the job, because in the back of my mind was this little thought that continued to say “there are people who are going to need your time and attention this summer and I want that to be your focus.”

Transformation: Old Me: My mind wanted financial security
Lord: Lord renewed my mind and told me to seek relationships.
New Me: I choose that path and today with my grandma was God’s confirmation that I too was being transformed.

2. Two years ago, I went through a really hard break up. It was maybe one of the hardest things I’ve ever let go of. Right after, I closed myself off. I had no emotions and no feelings. I couldn’t feel joy. I didn’t feel pain. I was completely numb. To be unable to feel good or bad is in essence to feel dead to the world. I prayed that the Lord would take my numb mind and bring back emotions/feelings and allow me to give love/joy to others once again. Fast forward to a few months ago, when I had all these feelings and once again actually was feeling joy and pain. Instead of I realized that emotions are a blessing from the lord. I needed to embrace whatever it was I was feeling and let my emotions have a voice and let them be known. I could have become bitter and decided not to give again, but I stood straight in the pain of past hurt and I let the soil on which I now stand become richer so that I am able to give more life to the seeds on which I give now.

Transformation: Old Me: Was emotionally numb and unable nor willing to love/encourage others
Lord: Brings someone into my life and with it a flood of emotions. God gives me a second chance to give emotionally uplifting words and feelings to someone
New Me: Embracing emotions and attempting to express thoughts freely to others while being able to feel alive to joy/pain/sorrow/emotions

3. Jan 1., 2010: I want to life fearlessly Lord. I want to be bold in my decisions. These were the exact words that I wrote in my journal for what I want to work towards this year. Half way through the year I can honestly say that that Lord has and still is transforming my mind to think differently and live differently. I’m learning more and more to be bold in my actions and every time the Lord faithfully rewards my actions. My next prayer is that the Lord allows me to be bold enough in making a decision on where I should move to or go. And with that, that the Lord will give affirmation in that decision through the words, actions, and people that he brings into my life. That if I choose to uproot and leave that the new soil would be richer.

Transformation: Old Me: Content to live in safety of a convenient, well known, and partially established place and lifestyle.
Lord: Directs me to a new place/job that will ultimately allow me to give/serve others
New Me: TBD :) Are you bold enough Ang to trust?

This is such a long post that ultimately can be summed up in this:

I love that I have chosen to enter into the presence of Jesus just as I am and have asked him to give me a fearless heart where he can be with me.

Sitting in the sun this morning, watching and talking with my grandma, allowed me to see this person who is coming near to the end of her life, and yet the Lord continues to transform her mind. Clearly if she could have done that years ago she would have, but it leads me to believe and know this:

You (I) cannot make myself different. Jesus came to give you (I) a new heart, a new spirit, a new mind, and a new body.

Ang, let him continue to transform you by his love and so enabling you to receive his affection for you in your whole being.

Another Record Set

Tracy's Wedding

TRACY'S WEDDING

This weekend I had the privilege of standing up and being a bridesmaid for my good friend Tracy. Tracy and I met at college, but our friendship has really gotten deeper since college. She is such a blessing in my life and I honestly am so grateful to have a friend like her. Congratulations Tracy and Josh!

BRIDESMAID LUNCHEON

On Friday morning, all of Tracy's bridesmaids met up in Warsaw, In and had a luncheon together. It was such a great way to actually spend time together without all the hassle that surrounds a wedding.

The moms and bridesmaids and Tracy

Ang, Katie, Tracy

L-dog and ABo

DECORATING THE RECEPTION DEPOT

Friday afternoon we all went to the Train Depot and decorated the place. It was such a cool place for a wedding. The building was an old train depot and had a lot of character to it. The colors and the place settings looked so great! All of the bridesmaids even had special made t-shirts that matched her colors!

Jess, Ang, Laura, Katie (ignore the shoes...lol)

REHEARSAL

Ok, well this isn't quiet the rehearsal, but someone took this picture of me as we were headed to the rehearsal and it makes me laugh, because it's such a typical picture of me. Cheeze-it's and PB somehow always can be found in my car.

THE
WEDDING PARTY

It was a beautiful, hot day out for her wedding. The dresses looked so great on everyone and the color was perfect for summer. Tracy of course was stunning!

Katie, Tracy, Ang

My Favorite Girls and Best Friends.....which one's next???

My Family

Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to have such a loving family. When I look at a picture like this, it makes me smile, because I am reminded that I have such a wonderful family who loves Jesus.

E4 Record

This post is kind of just for myself, so that in the future I can be reminded of what my next goal needs to be set at. Ok, so most people know that I workout a lot. Some people take drugs to get high, well I workout to get that "high" feeling. Point of this post is that, I always workout for an hour and 5 min (cool down) at a time and I always know about how far I go and the calories I burn. Well previously the record was 6.4 mi. and 749 cal. but today I set out to break that record. I went 6.46 mi and burned 755 cal. in that one workout. Most people could probably crush this number, but for me it was a true milestone and felt like a huge accomplishment.

Memorial Day Getaway

This past week has been a very up and down week for me. It's been extremely busy, but more than the business of the past week, I've really felt like I have been under a lot of spiritual attack. This past week I struggled with feeling very alone and very forgotten. I know a lot of it had to do with moving everything out of my classroom all by myself and then not having a place to put it all, then attending a wedding all alone and not really knowing anyone, and then calling friends and never having them return my messages. On top of all of that my grandma was sent to the ER and is not doing well. I'm know a lot of my feelings emanated from a feeling of emptiness. This past week I felt so disconnected from Christ. In the midst of my self pity and loneliness I had disregarded Christ. Like I so often fail to do, I tried to take life on myself and failed. Sometimes I just think life is easier by yourself....but it's not......it will catch up with you like it did for me this week and bring you to a halt. That halt came to me this week when I was attempting to drag a large box of books into my apartment. As buff as I am (haha), I could not carry it, so I was dragging it slowly into my apt. It was steaming hot, I was sweating, I had no idea where it was going to go, when a bird flew overhead and pooped on the box. Completely frustrated and overwhelmed I stopped look up in the sky and surrendered "Ok, God, I get it. I fail without your help." Sometimes God is funny. I realized that I needed this weekend to reconnect with God. To find time to just enjoy who he is and be reminded of all that he has given me. In a week where I felt like everything was just coming to an end, I needed to be reminded that everything is just getting started. That however uncertain life is right now, that however much lack of conversation I've had with people I miss, that however little I know about the future, that he still is in control. So with that thought in mind, I left this weekend and went to my grandparents summer home on Lake Michigan. It's always been a place of solitude/reflection for me. It's a place where I can go and just be outside and seek the Lord without distractions.

I could write about what my heart thought about, but I think a simple picture walk may be all that's needed to really put into words how renewing this weekend was for me.

I've prayed for rest, and God provided a beach to rest upon (and a little suntan) ;)


It's not everyday that you witness a dear just a few feet from you. As I sat outside and read, this deer came out of the woods and hung around for awhile. I love how God meets us where we are at. I needed a tangible reminder of who God was and seeing this deer brought me to this passage:

Psalm 18:32-34 For who is God besides the LORD? And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.

Psalm 111:2-4

2 Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them.
3 Glorious and majestic are his deeds, and his righteousness endures forever.
4 He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate.

Psalm 112:6-8

6 Surely [she] will never be shaken; a righteous [woman] will be remembered forever.
7 [She] will have no fear of bad news; [her] heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
8 [Her] heart is secure, [she] will have no fear; in the end [she] will look in triumph on his foes.

Isaiah 46:9-10
9 I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.
10 I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.

I’m in the middle of reading a great book by John Piper and in it, it talks about becoming alive to life. I feel like that’s what this weekend did for me. I think this weekend helped me become alive to life. To wake up in the morning and be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sheer being of things. It helped me see what is there in the world—things that, if we didn’t have, we would pay a million dollars to have, but having them, ignore. It made me more alive to beauty.

This weekend, provided much rest, solitude, and many reminders that I am not alone, that I am not forgotten, that I am secure, that I need not fear, and that my heart will remain steadfast. God is good, all the time.