Perplexed

 2 Corth. 4:7-9

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

This verse has been on my heart the last week.   Let me start with last week.  Last Wednesday night I asked my small group girls to define their current life mentality in one word.  For me the word I used to describe my life was hopeful.  So many things in my life were looking hopeful.  I was excited about different things.  I was opening my heart again and letting hope guide me into perusing different possibilities and relationships.  Fast forward to the next week at small group and I asked the exact same question to the girls.  It’s funny how many people had totally different answers.  Myself included.  A week later and my word had gone from hopeful to weary. 

I’ve asked myself this a lot this week.  How can your heart go from one to the other in such little time.   The truth is, my hopefulness has led to weariness.  I’m weary of investing into hope and finding it disappointing.  Maybe more specifically I’m weary of being perplexed about the way things turned out over the course of a week.  I know specifics aren’t given here, but the truth is, they don’t need to be.  I’m not perplexed about the why….I’m smart enough and know the reason why….it’s the same reason why I’ve spent many years not getting excited or hopeful in this area of my life.  As I’ve wrestled with my thoughts, I’ve clung to this verse:

2 Corth. 4:7-9

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

I am perplexed.  Hope has faded.  Let me repeat that….hope has faded.  It’s not gone. I wish I could change things.  I wish things were different and I wish hope was still the dominate theme the resided in my heart right now.  But I’ve come to understand this, this week.  That belief in God’s sovereignty thus gives us the security of knowing God is in control.  God gives people the ability to make choices.  He gives people the ability to see what’s in front of them and make a decision. God’s sovereignty allows us to believe that he is bigger than our circumstances and will make our lives better through our circumstances.  I may feel struck down, but I am not destroyed.  :)

Boldness

Boldness. I have always admired people who are bold. Probably because it’s a trait that I envy and long to have or become. There’s something about people who are bold that I admire. People who are bold in their faith, bold in striking up a conversation with a stranger, bold in taking risks, bold in calling people out, and or bold in making life changes that completely cause 180 degree turn. Maybe I admire them, because I want to be like them. I want to be bold. I’ve never really truly been a bold person. I’ve definitely gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but it’s always been a struggle to me to be bold. I was telling this to a friend of mine and I started to laugh because I told her that it’s even a struggle for me to wear a tank top to the gym because I’m just not bold enough. I mean really!!!! LOL. I once worked with a teacher who had taught for 14 years. She was clearly on the path of spending 35 years teaching to get the full teacher retirement benefits. But she didn’t enjoy it. So rather than keep going down that path, she completely let teaching go to be a personal trainer. That was bold to me. I know this guy at the gym, who whenever you talk to him, he brings up his faith. It’s so apart of him that he can’t help but talk about it being apart of his everyday life. That’s bold to me. I’m one who is always hesitant to talk to someone I don’t know very well. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I’m not good at being assertive right away. And yet, when people are bold and come up to me to talk, it literally makes my day. I’ve always wondered why I’m not an extremely bold person. Why I sometimes walk the perimeter in hopes to be unseen instead of in the middle boldly living life. Is it my quieter personality, is a lack of confidence, is it a fear of rejection….? The truth is, I have it in me. I have the desire to be bold. I just need people to pull it out of me. I need God’s strength to work through my weakness. So my desire moving forward this year is to be bold. To have someone hold me accountable for being bold in all areas of my life. And in the process, allow God to shine through my everyday weaknesses.

Great Things- New Song

This song has been my go to song lately:
http://youtu.be/htPID9rB7h8

Thank you for the wilderness, where I learned to thirst for your presence.

When I look back on my life, I can remember months even years where I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life. I can specifically remember the year out of college. I remember for a year or so feeling like I was just wondering aimlessly in life. I had just come off the best four years of my life in college and had entered into the real world. Except the real world didn’t seem to want me. I had applied hundreds of places and I had no job. I struggled with the fact that I was moving back home and not the Chicago suburbs like my dreams had always taken me. I ended a 2 year relationship and struggled to understand why my heart felt the way it did. I struggled to find community. I literally went from living with my 5 best friends in one bedroom (yes triple often and bunk beds) to zero friends in one day when I moved home. Community was gone. This was the wilderness time of my life. Now, I’ve had other times in my life that I would considered wilderness times. But the truth rings deeply….I had to thirst for the presence of God. I had to thirst for God to bring new people into my life. I had to step back and trust that God had a better man in store for me even though I still held on to the memories of what once was. I had to hope that God was in the business of providing. I felt like I had nothing, but many years later I can step back and see the big picture of it all…. That those times refined me and provided a deeper understanding that thirsting can be beautiful.

If I never known that place, how could I have known you were better?

Thank you for the lonely times, when I learned to live in the silence. As the other voices fade, I can hear you calling me Jesus….

Loneliness. I’ve come to know it well. Don’t get me wrong, I have many friends and am socialable, but that doesn’t always diminish loneliness. People often ask me why I’m on the move so much and rarely at home. If I’m honest, I think it’s because I run from loneliness. You see, I live alone. I live in a 3 bedroom 2 ½ bath home. It’s just me. No pets, no kids, no others. Life can get lonely pretty fast when I come home. But, as I’ve come to realize….this time of loneliness is a blessing for me. I have noises around me all day long in the classroom. I’ve come to realize that this time at home alone is my reflection time. My time to just be silent and process all that God wants to tell me. Times like this where I can sit in a silent home and just write and think are gifts. 

Thank you for the scars I bare. They declare that you are my healer. How could I have seen your strength if you never show me my weakness.

I bare scars. Emotional and physical. My heart has been wounded many times, but the truth is that I still love those people who have hurt it. I’m not closed off to them. That’s God’s healing power at work in me. Because my selfish nature just wants to be bitter at them. But I’m not. I have physical scars. I have a 5 inch scar that runs down the middle of my back. And every summer when I go to put on that bathing suit and start to get self conscious of it….I step back. I touch it, and I thank God that that scar happened. I thank God that he is in the business of giving. For while, so much of my life was turned upside down because of that scar, I was given a new perspective on life that has changed the way I think, act, and feel towards the world. Too much that’s been given, much is exspected….my scar reminds me of that everyday.  That scar reminds me that God is in the business of giving.  And where something was taken it was only to give something greater. 

And it’s worth it all just to know you more.

You’ve done great things… Jesus your love never fails me.

The truth is…..God’s done far greater things that I ever thought possible. His love really never has failed me.

I'll Wait For This...

I came across this post the other day and it honestly was exactly what I needed to hear at this time.  Sometimes waiting and trusting in this area of my life is hard, but this was such encouragement to me.  Such a good read about how and what I desire of someone someday.  Read below:

The Man I'll Wait For