Thanksgiving

It's been awhile...I know. Rather purposely. Quite frankly, I have no desire to reflect on life at this time. I'm not healthy in many ways and have found that often I'm just hanging on by a threat, not sure how I am still holding things "together."

It's Thanksgiving...."Thanks" giving.....yet, I am daily struggling and battling with an attitude of bitterness and negativity. I have always been a positive person. In the most desperate times of my life I have clung to my faith. I have chosen to believe that God will take the broken pieces in my life and heal them. Now though, it has been so hard and at times unwanted to remain that positive hope filled person. I have never been so unsatisfied and so desperate for God to make life desirable again. I've struggled with understanding who this person is right now inside of me. I'm not me in so many ways and all I want is my healthy self back.

Thanksgiving has never been my favorite holiday....by a long shot. In fact, I often dread this holiday. This year was no real exception. At a time when joy and a thankful attitude should be consuming me, I sink into a feeling of confusion, hurt, bitterness, and negativity. You see, this is the holiday where I feel like the orphan child. The child with no real place to go and the places that I can go I'm not really known. The last few years have often left me feeling this way. Gary is married and sees Julie's side of the family, mom and Jack always go to Ohio, my mom's extended family go to their other sides, and so I sometimes go to dinner with grandma and grandpa. This year that wasn't an option (which in itself was hard) and so I was left with going to my dad's house. It's a hard place to go when you know that everyone there will be all these people from her side of the family and people who you don't know nor (honestly...) don't really care to know because they are these new people who just happen to now be some sort of "family" by remarriage. It just breeds fakeness within me when I head over there because honestly I have no desire to talk about my life with people I barely know. I'm having a hard enough time talking about normal day life things with my own family (from a desire to remove myself as far as possible from work when not there.) So Thanksgiving because the "Self Pity Orphan Ang" holiday, and the day when I extend my football knowledge from watching the saving grace football games that chew up time.....(That sentence just made me smile....shame shame)

In all honesty, I can't say that I was all that thankful this weekend. In fact, what I realized more than anything was how much darkness I'm living in. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally, and professionally I'm not healthy....no where close. I have accepted the darkness and am choosing to live in it because I so often feel powerless. This weekend at Harvest, I sat though a sermon that was all about Thankfulness. For most of the sermon I sat there clearly aware that the Lord wanted me to hear this sermon, but also still fully aware that some bitterness lay within my heart. For the last few month all I've wanted is to feel like myself again. It's hard to explain but a lot of transitions have happened and life has taken a lot out of me. I want me back....whatever that means or looks like. I'm a selfish person who has failed to remember that I was never mine. Others, too, are given to use to care for, but ultimately are God's. So as I listened to the sermon, the point that stuck out the most is that thankfulness is a choice. It's not natural to us. We have to practice thankfulness.

On Thanksgiving night after I went to my dad's, I stopped by my mom's house and sat down at the piano. The house was dark and empty. The only light on was the piano light. I took out an old Christmas book I use to play and started to play some Christmas music. It was a moment of much needed solitude. It wasn't long till I realized two things though. One...that I hadn't played or practiced in a long time and that the music was very choppy. Yet, the second thing I realized was that the only way I was able to play anything was because of the small piano light that I had turned on. Without light I had no way to play. A small light at least allowed me to play some music.....choppy or not. It was in this quiet still moment that I was reminded again that I do have light in my life. I know the Creator and Sustainer of light. I know that Thankfulness is a choice. A choice that I have failed to make lately. Maybe because of pride, maybe because of pain, maybe because of lowliness, maybe because of a lack of gratefulness in what I've been given. But most definitely because I am a sinful person who has tried to make sense of life on my own the last few months....just now realizing that I have to start making a choice to be grateful. I have to practice. I'm asking for light to be abundant in my life right now. I know it's something I will have to fight for. Light....as large or small as the beam is, is needed, if we are to make any impact or change in the world, or in our lives.

It's going to take time and people. Two of which are very hard to come by. I can look back on this year and know that there were some good times. They just seem far from my memory. My prayer right now is that the Lord would make his light shine brighter in my life....because I need it now more than ever.