If Only....

Ok, let me start by saying that this post may seem negative, which isn't my intention. Rather, the last two months have made me question so much about myself, my life, my strength, and where I'm at on this journey we call life. My thoughts have seemed to be filled with discontent lately. These two words (If only) seem to be the start of every thought......

If only my closest friends lived near by and could help me process through life
If only I had my old self back from this summer
If only school didn't consume my life
If only I had a church that I really felt apart of
If only I could eat healthy
If only I felt like I was an decent teacher
If only it wasn't getting cold out
If only I wasn't so independent
If only I didn't run from the things that scare me in life
If only I could write more letters to friends
If only I didn't get bitter
If only I had energy these days
If only I didn't have to fight for joy
If only Illini football was good
If only I got to see my brother more
If only I didn't live in a cold apt.
If only I let myself depend on others

This past week I've had so many if only thoughts.....sometimes I've felt selfish for feeling this these ways, sometimes I've felt I've taken my "neediness" to the wrong people, sometimes I've felt so un-confident in myself and my abilities, sometimes I've just felt life my life isn't going anywhere.

Yet, life is a journey.....hence the reason for this blog. I know life's not easy. The road has pot holes. I know myself well enough to know that when these thoughts start creeping up it's time to reevaluate before something worse happens. Sometimes it's good to go straight ahead towards the finish line. But sometimes you need rest stops. You need to take time to just rest. That's where I'm at. I need something/someone who will just tell me that life's ok and will just take the time to have a picnic with me at the rest stop :)

So at this moment in my life I'm at the rest stop. Trying to refuel my life before I head on. Colossians 2:6-8 states it best. "Continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." I need to rest, let my roots grow deeper and soak up some energy, I need to feel strengthened, I need to overflow with thankfulness. Only then will I be able to really move forward and live a life worthy and pleasing to the Lord. So that verse has become my prayer lately.

If only,,,,,